Talked to scott. proclaimed my feelings.. for what? to be shot down.. to be put down wher ei belong.. i dont mean to give a guilt trip.. it's just so much is going through my head.. what if.. fuck them.. fuck everythingl fuck me.. This is so hard.. knowing he was there.. made it easier for me.. to be okay.. knowing he's going ot be take. makes me feel horrible and ickie.. because i know it's lost.. forever gone....

I let him decide wha the wanted. he has.. good for him.. i wish him the best.. i truely do.. but i'm still in the smae ole fuckin' shit..

i have to deal with ym feelings for him.. then havign ajems like me.. yes he's great.. but no.. no no no no no no... i can't hurt him 2.. andi care for ren.. i just want to die..

I wish i would of got James to break open my new razor i got for me... Doesn't matter. i'm a fucking chicken.. i can't do it.. why not? why the hell not.. didn't sotp so many.. why me? i can take the pain.. but why can't i cut deep? whart the hell is stopping me? i dont fear death.. i have nothing to really live for ?

Yes pppl care fo rme.. duh, i already knew that. Part me hope they stay together.. and they are happy like joe and kim. ebcause then i know i did the right thing by leaving.. yet again.. like every one i've been wiht.. they liek someone else.. fal land love and stay together.. why in the hell did i go to him ayways.. he fuckin' liked her then.. why did i allowmyslef to do that.. joe and kim.... Jeremy and Andrea... Corey would of been wiht stephanie.. my bad.. everyone.. wtf???????? what is wrong with me????

i should of stuck with me. letting him go.. since i knew.. that what he needed. it woudl stop him from hurting.. it would help him move on and i coudlnt' hurt him anymore.. but he told me i hurt him more not being with him.. obsviouly i was wrng.. since he was spending time with her ..he wants her now.. good..

bye...

I've never quite realized how much of an odd ball of cunfusion i am. It' slike i'm trying to avoid and hide everything.. Just trying to forget. get high.. sleep.. anything.. just get away from it all. I'm working so many hours.. cutting myself every moment i become stressed.. I begin to cry as i think.. about everything. What am i doing? James has been there for me latelly.. Seems like he is the only one. I'm totally going crazy inside my head. When i saw scott today i was like wowzers. da scott.. in the matter of moments he dissapeared.. and a couple tears came down my face. wtf is up with me? I push him away.. i hurt him.. i play with his head. How can i do this? i'm so lost. Now i just added more craziness into this situation. James lieks me.. a lot.. He knows i'm not ready.. but all i can see him doing is looking at me with this glare in his eyes.... i mean it's fine.. i just dont wanna hurthimeither.. i'm tired of hurting ppl.DAMNIT!!!!

I talked to joe the other day.. it was soo hard.. it's like i miss him so much as a friend, yet i'm so full of hatred it's driving me insane.. man.. where is the captain morgans and orange soda.. and shot gun from a bowl.

It doesn't really matter you know? Although i got high or drunk.. i still would cut.. it didn't stop me... just made it easier to cut a bit deeper.. blood drips down. I just wanna make sure no one see's it. I get so stressed out at work. i dont really know why? it' s all shit.. i Guess when i get headsit ppl know i can handle it and leave me alone.. alone to make the dern icecream and customers bitch me out. I hate it three hours today.. bla

Sherry said that she might be able to get me a shift supervisors position. That she had to talk to Chris and she what she can do... It sounds great. I mean yay.. more money.. but ahh.. i really dont wanna piss off travis and brandon. they deserve it mre then i do. they know more.. and everything. Many will most likely walk all over me.. mostly other managers.. getting free food and so forth.. i worry about that. I dont wanan be responsible for other's stuff.

I've never felt so disgusting.. i hate myself. i'll talk more later.. scott is online -bye

I realized that the crisises sent me a letter tellling me of my apointment which is okay..but damn... i told them i didn't want there to be any way for them to get to my mom.. the lett had a tear and a piece of tape on it. I have no idea if that is from them or my parents. erm.... i hope not.

I got a cell phone. Now people can get a hole of me.. if only i coould get a hold of them to tell them my number....

Urges sometimes becomes a bit overwealming. Just to cut at the moment see's like nothing is going ot happen.. a lil blood, a bit of relief and nothing more. erm. But i'm decidated and i can't..which builds up frustration and crankiness..BLA....

i work 5-cl today. i'm not looking forward to it..AT ALL...The carnival and mass amounts of other things have been taking place and with that we have been slammed.. and if you know me.. i dislike being slammed...like CRAZY..hopefully i get my work done asap.

mmmm..music.. i've also realized that i'm beiginning to like music more then watch tv. Maybe perhaps of the lack of anything worthewhile.. i heard that charmed had their last season.that horribly sucks..What am i gonna watch? DAMN the WB.. hehe

I wish that scott was  a bit more uppy. I feel horrible. How come i manage to hurt everyone i love?it's jst a ickie habbit i have given to myself. well  i didn't give it up but i suppose i practice it.BLA.. hopefully it gets okay. I just dont know what to do. i mean i love hanging out with him..but i dont want to hurt him anymore. It makes me just want to leave..horribly.. okay i think i'm gonna go clean my room. It's a diaster..mmm i want pizza. damn... hehe okie..-rachel

Wowzers, i'm sooo freakin' tired....I gota work 11:30-10:00 today, but i admit i chose to do it. I need the money...Let me update on the few things i mentioned..

I went to get help. yes.. help.. what kind of help? erm.. the kind i need? Joyce( joe's mom) and Scott took me to the crises center. I help entirely sick to my stomach.i could barely walk in the door. As i sat there i began to feel a bit better. I also realized i knew more about the subject then i thought i did. I would argue every single point that Joyce had to come up with... She had no idea what she was talking about in any way..

I'm not going to lie.. I gota kinda mad at her when we went into the door. I made them come inwith me.Because i wasn't going to go in alone. I dont know the people..and i didn't particulary wanted to talk to them..Yet, thats not the point.. Joyce was trying to force me to show her my arm...and i didn't think it was time.PLus i knew they have seen far warse... and they would ask me if they had to...and it wasn't the point.. they knew the deal..no reason to sho w a arm of scratches. I know i will most likely haveto show someone. But tht woman just is ickie.. There was aother girl that was in the room with us.. She was new.. When Joyce started talking to the councilour about her problems.. I decided to talk to the new lady by asking her why she was here. hwo she didn't talk much..ad whatbeought her to the field.. then i came with a  comment.. not all come in thsi field to help.. I think i took everyone off guard and the main woman quicklu changed the topic. I dont understand why? Why couldn't i talk to whom i wanted? She was a brain fart...she knew the statistics and information, but she didn't know me or anyone else. U can't treat people as another person.. One much go in a deeper level. damn, i should be on of them.. I feel i could do okay. I can read peope pretty well so yeah...

So my first appointment is on mon, 13... So i will see how it goes from there.. I think Scott for everything.. because withou him i probably wouldn't be here.

I made sure they did't tell my parents. because if they do i wont be here. i'm going away. i promise i'm going away..

im also going to pay for the meeetings. IT's based on my  pay , so i should be okay.

Thanks again, I think i'm going to go meditate or take a shower or something..toodles

As i sit here in scott's house alone.. i just feel ickie.. Having the ability to just think.. isn't good at all.... Last night was okay, although i did get drunk off my ass... with that in mind i ended up screwing myself over. I was a horrible wreck.. Falling up and down stairs, half way sucidal.. Almost attempted to just slide off the balcony thing. I pulled my hair out,  kept hitting my head on the wall.. running into any wall that i could.. cutting my finger with a beer can, scratching my arms up.... cutting myself with a needle.. erm.. i feel horrible... John and Scott had to save me from myself. it was just awful.. yet i didn't care. i felt so free.

Dying is a serious matter. and the more i think about it. they more i really dont care. As if i was going to die today i prob wouldn't think twice of it. I feel horrible for scott. How can i put him through this? make him deal me being totally psycho. How cani allow him to put up with me. I just want to run away. i want to be alone. i just want to go lock myself up in my room and not come out.. other to work.... i just want to bottle myself up from the world. Get away from all the emotions.. i'm horribel fucked up in the head. I have no one to really talk to ... WHEN i do go back to work. what the hell are they going to think? I have even more scratches across my body... and if i could find a razor right now.. i would prob continue to cut myself. i just fel so ickie about myself.

Dont get me wrong.. john helped a great deal last night. We talked for the longest time. yet i feel horrible. I threw his inner deep emotions at him. i just threw them in his face.. and thats ickie.. being tipsy and having a girl tell you everything about u.. stuff u dont want to deal with or dicuss.. yet deep down you do.. u want to get if off ur chest...

I dont want to hurt scott anymore. i dont wnat to make him baby sit me. Make sure i DONT do something... i dont want to put him through that...hell, i dont want to put anyone through that.. How can i be like this? How can i be so built up with drama. How can i just drive every single people away.. Rachel is online... i'm going to go to talk her now.. bye all.. not that many people actually read this..

HAHA!! hello..... can i help ya? Of course i can.. Let me tell ya a story.. A short story..because i'm tired..

I forogot o tell u ... i went to school the other day... and yeppers.. i had my pants inside out..luckily no one noticed!

Today rachel came back.. i was all happy like.. i wasn't alone on the bus.. yay!! we had senior picnic... and i got to leave early..

Went to scotts.. chilled for a while.. left brandon some let me say.. ODD comments... then i went to work..

Yeppers.. work work work!! i did.. sorta.. had 3 caffiene pills...PLus i was already hyper.. cant ya imagine?? seriously..can ya?

Let's see.... haha Peggy and ellie..HAHA!!!...listen to convo..

Peggy- Rachel, your so beutiful...

Rachel- uMMMMM okay???How so?

peggy- it's just that ur actually wearing clothes that fit you.

Rache- umm...*looks around* i always do??? I was out of clean clothes.. all i had.. i feel so exposed.

Peggy- You have a cute figure. the clothes aren't soo *throws her hands out like big, Ellie comes in*

Rachel- ummmm.. you mean hoodie..erm.. I feek nakie* tries to cover up*

Ellie- i love you hair.. it's so long, I used to play with katies hair.. Let me braid it

rachel- ok...

Ellie* begins braiding..wow it's really thick

Rachel.yes...

Ellie.. all dont.. loooks bad. take it out now

Rachel- look in mirror.. okay.. *takes it out and walks away.

Yeppers..a bit odd huh?

Oh i burned my arms today adn scratch myh right oen.. dind't cut tho. GO me!!

Ellie asked about my one cut.. said it looked infected and was upset i did it.. oh weelz. i shurgged and walked away.. one customer said it loks like a cat attacked me.. joking around. i was like.. erm.. yeah and walked away..

I was jumping up and down today.. soo hyped.

i thew ice down alisha's shirt. she said i could.

I always made this huge mess... ERM!! a whole damn thing of cone dip.. spilt in another thing of cone dip.. and chery dip..EVERY WHERE.. 30 mins of clean up  with thehelp of brandon.. Travis took hedad sit early. I stained my new shoes.. damn!!!... umm yeah took a long time.. prob gave moer to say...like pink trees, farting birds, farting smeelingpizza, and much more.. but eh i'm tired.. nightl

Well i woke up wrote a entry this morning... took a shower..slept on the bus...i love doing that.. Makes u feel like u have more sleeping time.. even though i think we almost hit a car this mornign..UNSURE..all i heard was ppl screaming calllin' this girl's dad dumb.. and she was like HE"S NOT DUMB. erm.. i shrugged and continued to sleep.

Got to schoool and got a ICKIE ICKIE ICKIE ham and egg Croissant c. Worse 75 cents spent.. wel nto really.. but you get the idea.. erm..

I did flower arrangements... and i wrote my paper thingie on the bus before i got to school.and fell asleep. sleeping writing a paper wouldn't be a good idea.

Oh oh i finished a drawing. WOWZERS go me!!! and i got free pizza.. well a slice soo hot..erm...

Let's seee.. Oh PAINT TIME.. damni hate painting... i sat in a hall ALL by mself..oh wel i'm used to that.. and painted...yepprs. LANDSCAPE NO LESS.. looks liek a 5 yearold did it.. erm. o well... Then i went to lunch

Turkey and gravy is YUMM!! IT's even okay when it gets thick and sticks to your fork and turns to jelly.. O well.. just imagine about my poor tumm tumm..

Art class now.. after picking up my flowers and ppl asking why i had flowers .. what the special event? erm i made them.. my mom's b-day. LEAVE ME ALONE DAMNIT!!!

oh clay ... played with it.. i did.. got kelly to glaze my pieces. Eh i'm lazy.. went to scott's car..yay.. went home.. Got huggles.. gave mom flowers. TOOK QUIZZES!! haha fun fun!!! Downloaded music. LISTENED. attempt to sing.. BAD IDEA.... huggles and kiss. spent time with scott... sleep... music.. meditation( 2 bad i was sleeping and the music annoyed scott) haha... THE KILLERS... love... kiss.. ummm... yeah.... toodles!!!! more coming later.. promise.. lol like anyone cares!!!

I  had a lot going on in my head. I was pushing scott and others away. i was allowing my craving to take over my personality. I was prob. acting like a bitch for all i know... I got i all off my chest. all my worrries and thoughts and feeelings. it's great to be able to telll someone everything and it to be okay..

I meditated today.... well yest.. since it's Wed. It is wed right? Anyways.... I did a  lil meditation> i saw some weird stuff.. i dont really remember what... but i do remember seeing scott at work going down a aisle with somoene in his hand talking to a  manager.. Then i saw a friend of mine in a cave i told him he's not ready to go ... I tried to pull him out. i try to make him leave.. erm it didnt work.... I heard the rain before it started raining.. It was neat. i love meditating to rain.. U get some kickass vibrations .. Yet it can become a bit strange... I think i might of astralleld since when i opened my eyes it felt liek i fell.. welll my bed was shaking.. like i also fell through it. i was lik wowzers.okie..

Scott came over... To bad i was asleep. i was tired coudln't stay up. SO he laid beside me and held me.. so sweet...

Well then he went home and i had a ickie nightmare... Rachel was even in it... Rachel spent the night.. She laid on the floor. we tlkaed about some paranormal stuff.. Then we had the same dream... well i thin.. we both woke up in a panic... I saw some ickie images.. stuff u would see form like the ring .. not the images but the style... Lots of blood suffering hurting.. and a girl named suzi.... She wasn't happy... I woke up and rachel did 2. and i told her i saw suzi and she said she wanted to kill us.. She wanted us did. I had this HORRIBLE scratch on my chest/neck area.. i was a lil paniced. I remembered my aunt's name was suzi..but this was a girl...Then rachel vanished and my mom woke me up.. and i was supposed to shwo this lady my art.. Well the scratch was still there.. I  coudl barely walk. I kept almost falling. The lady looked icky.. kinda old wierd facial strutcure.. Then i woke up.. screw that poop!!!

Then i got online and talked to scott.. and everything is okie.. and i feel a lil better. other then the fact i feel as tho i might start cutting again.. The craving are driving me bonkers.. erm!!!! I have to go now and take a shower... and get onthe stupid bus where i will most likely sleep or get annoyed... since yest these girls i dont like started singing christmas carols.. REALLY BAD... i might add. THey are worse then i was in middle school.. DAMN THEM!!!! okie.. love ya scott -rachel

FUck!! Oops i just deleted my entire blog.. Let me try this again....

I dont have much time because school is calling and i have to manage to get ready at the same time...
I want to attempt to recap my last week... yet knowing me we alll know for a teenager i have the worse memory there is..

Mon..- I got a LAP TOP!! YAY!!!!!! Yet this only occured sine my computer DIED!!!! It costs 1600 dollars.. So for the next year i will be paying payments of 140.

I am working more hours! I need money.. I got over the fact i dont want to work with kim and going to do it anyways. i will not degrade myself to allow myself to however work with Kim while she is the closer head manager.. this is because i truely dont want to put up with her and Joe in one fuckin' night.. and that would just be weird. When i am forced to work with her.. I am going to try to avoid her as much as possible....

Scott came over.. i'm guessing i fell asleep on him tho. knowing me.. LOVE HIM BUNCHES!!!

Tues.. WORK.. i think? yes work.. This was lil rachel's first day..POOR THING!!! Anyways.. we were slammed... it kinda sucked... Brandon didnt show up.. okay reasons so i forgive him.. Travis came in..Closer didn't show... So having just me and Travis and the other 2 unable to work cash register and being new... not knowing how to do most of the dq work.. it got a bit icky.. we had people at the door.. People wrapped around the store.. So much going on.. it took 45 mins to manage to mkae it outside...which btw.. my dad was abou to come in and get me.. and i had o tell him i was staying..EEEKS!!! he wasn't very thrillled.. so i came back and continued working... Then i closed a bit and came home.. I think i was on teh computer for a while and fell asleep on scott again.. DAMN!! i gotta stop that non sense!!
A  few funny momments.. i was blessed with myself falling on the wet floor where rachel mopped( HOw do u spell that??) then i also knocked a pitcher of water off the counter.. I spilled misty base.. I made horrid messes with blizzards and shakes.... Travis has a straw fiasco.. and that's about it..

Oh!! i keep getting in trouble for sleeping in class.. and today i actually got my something to do and then we went out to eat.. so it was kinda pointless. the girl driving almost got a ticket for driving to fast.. yet she got her way out of it.

on wed.. i didn't go to school.. erm... no POINT!!!! I woke up and took a shower.. Mom was going to take me to school. hmm okie.. well on the way there we were already running later and we got stuck in road construction.. so it was 8:30... not there yet.. school started at 8:16.. i think.. so i was like erm gonna be late.. so i decided that i didn't want to go and i waited fo rmy mom to get out of phystical therapy...

I came home and SCOTT CAME OVER.. YAY!!!!! I cleaned my room and we swung over to get Brandon and we went to scotts to watch the star war movies before we went to see the final one..
MORE MORE MORe TO come.. I have to really get goin' . LOVE YOU SCOTTT.... can't wait ot get to the present...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Level | Score
Purgatory | Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo | Low
Level 2 | Moderate
Level 3 | High
Level 4 | Very Low
Level 5 | Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis | Very High
Level 7 | Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge | High
Level 9 - Cocytus | Low

Level descriptions: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-in formation.html" title="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-in formation.html" target="_blank"http://www.4degreez.com/misc/...
Take the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-te st.mv" title="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-te st.mv" target="_blank"http://www.4degreez.com/misc/...

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already. In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth. Buddhism 92% Satanism 79% Paganism 54% Hinduism 46% atheism 42% agnosticism 38% Islam 33% Judaism 29% Christianity 17% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

HAHA!!! isn't that funny!!! go me.. yet i'm suppose ot be an assasin..i'm all mixed up lol..

Glad i copied it this time!!

I have so much to say..and now idea where to start. I've come to a conclusion tho.. i offical can feel no pain.. example.. i just made 5 holes in my hears piercing.. no ice cubrs.. not professional.. just a earring stabbing through my ear.. so with the 5 holes.. i only kept 4.. people who say piercing ur ears hurt. haha.. i highly dissagree..
 But that's the last thing on my mind.. Man.. am i in some serious shit!!!!! What am i talking about?? Do you honestly want to know? I highly doubt it.. I wrote a blog before this happened telling my feelings and thoughts about me and scott. but my dumbass computer has been d/c, messing up and working like apile of shit. Haveing to restart every 5 mins just to be online for a moment. It's seriously annoying and i feel as tho i want to throw it out the window.. But let me continue back to my stories..
Scott and i are fine.. At first it was horrible.. I was hurt.. tears.. terribly messed up. I had problems.. well have problems.. i'll get to that later.. I was hurting and I didn't know what to do.. I was hurt like i was hurt before.. and im' very fragile and i can take physical pain like apro. but emotion.. i totally suck. I found i have a gift.. I can cut off all my emotion.. become cold and lifeless.. That doesn't sound so bad. Until u cut off ur emotions and feeligns and thoughts to someone u really love.. not such a good idea. I was going back and forth through different stages.. one i was sad, lonely, worried, angry, pissed, cold, emotionless, dead, scared.. any emotion i prob had it.. I just didn't like having to tell someoen how 'they' feel... and i hate being used.. not saying scott used me. He just was confused and dind't know what he wanted..and i didn't like being that person that he had to find out.. I almost ran.. left.. i didn't want to deal with pain anymore.. he wasn't sure if he loved me.. give him time to see he said.. well waiting a couple months to find out if someone loved you could be more devistating then what u want... U would fall more in love while he on the other hand could find out eh doesn't give a crap about u.. that scared me.. if u knew about a few of my past relationships.. you would understand even more... There is more i could say about this... and i prob will.. but ther is more one my mind..

I HATE PEOPLE.. i hate Ashley... Brittany..... Lidsney.....ERRR why do girls have to be such bitches!!!!!!!!!!
Ashley.....This girl is already annoying.. she acts like a child and doens't know when to keep her mouth shut.. she has made me so angry.. i dont know what i will do when i see her again.... I cut myself.. well slaughtered my arm.. and other places.. but she just saw my arm.. i couldn't find a clean long sleeve shirt for work. so i found a quarter shirt and i wore it under my work otfit.. well she kinda saw a few cuts on my arm and pulled sleeve up and asked what happened? of course i didn't want her to know.. about my personal life.. so i lied... A cat did it. yeah i know kinda lame. but she was stupid and acted as tho she believed me.. damn i was wrong...

so next day i had to go to work.. i didn't want to go.. i didn't know why.. but eh i didn't want 2!!!! Well i got to work.. annoying day.. saw travis.. he asked hwo i was and i said okay.. and he was liek are you sure???? and i was liek yeah.... well what i didn't know is that ASHLEY told everyone at DQ about my problem.. so big deal everyone knows rachel cuts her self ? YEAH!!!! 2 bad her ex bf did work there.. and her ex bf gf still works there.. okay so what? welll.. so the boss knows joe's mom.. and joes mom already mentioned that she wants to make sure i dotn cut myself.. to my mom.. and i really dont care who knows.. other then my parents.. soo let's see here.. the boss  has are is going to tell joe's mom.. and then it will   prob. come back to my mom..And i dont know where to go from there..

What really hurts is that Travis.. someone i trusted.. was going to tell James.. and i was like what are you going to tell him? Tell me!! because he i thought told me everything.. well he wouldn't.. and went one how he was worried about someone.. oh btw.. he currently asked me out.. and  i know he doesn't care for many at work and i had an idea that some people knew about my cutting.. from sheryl.. let me continue.. well he wouldn't tell me.. and i kept pestering and he said i have to go outside.
he cameback in i apolgizeed.. and said i'm sorry.. but i have ONE  question.. Is that person with a problem that ur worried about me? because if so.. i know the problem.. and i hate the fact you talk others before confronting me.. and i walked away.. He came up and apolgized.. and told me who he told.. and hwo he was jsut wroried and idn't know how to bring it up.. oh i was hurt.. but i'm okay with that.. Ashley on the other hand.. NO FUCKING WAY!!! I hate the bitch to no end.. how could somoene jsut broadcast something so secretive like that.. SO now my job thinks im sucidal.. things that scott cuts himself 2.. and so much more.. wow go me!!!  I dont know what to do.. But i have realized something i Have a problem.. before i cut myself.. and i did it because i hurt... then i did it because it felt good... and i was liek well as long as i can control it.. then i can do it.. but irealized i can't control it.. and now i do it all the time.. and i keep getting deeper.. and i dont feel anything.. i dont feel any pain.. soi can't say i do it because it feels good.. because i dont feel anything... Scott is trying to help me.. and i hope i can stop.. I'm already scared.. and i'm alreadyin bad shape.. Just have to have time to think and work through this..

Oh i realized i have huge anger problems or just the want to hurt ppl.. on thurs. i hurt a few people lol. nothing serious tho.. 1st block horticulture.. i decided that i wanted to kick someoen so i asked a guy if i could kick him and he said no.. and i asked what would happened.. he said nothing.. and i kicked him.. oops my bad.. then i asked to punch a guy and he didn't tell me no so i hit in the arm and felt bad but hmm i kinda like hitting him wanted to do it again my bad.. lol then in 4th block i thew a piece of clat hitting toy in the glasses.. lol that was just a reflex.. didn't even think about doing it.. then during work.. i kicked james.. afer him repeating not 2..well nothing happened.. i asked brandon if i could hit him over and over he ingore me none the less. so i took that as a yes and punched him in the arm.. felt bad tho.. then i kicked travis in thes shin... and if elt bad 2.. because he had bad shins and i didn't even ask him

I dont liek lindsey because she is a stuck up hick girl that is very mean.. she was throwing freakin' pine cones at me.. and she picks on me and just is bitchy.. if i coudl fucking fight seh would be a main target... erm..

Brittany has really hurt me... im okay i suppose but it's one thing to talk bad about me.. but u dont talk bad about my friends.. mostly ones that are already hurting.. She has been talking about me and a few others.. and it's fine.. but it just sucks.. and it really hurt my friend and that hurts me.. i'm a dyke.. because i take pictures of girls... and she told people about my lip cuttin' and that would be okay but again it could get me in trouble and she was telling peopel who didn't even really know me.. so yeah it sucked...
But that's over and i talked to her about it.. and she may or maynot stop talking about people.. and it doesn't reallty matter either way because i graduate soon and then i'm off to do whatever i want...

Oh what caused my ear hole fetish? I said i wasn't going ot cutmyself anyone and somoone CALLED ME>. that someoen was ashlet wanting me to work for her. i got so full of anger.. i went emotionles on her and was like NOO... and i had this angryt ass voice and i was like BYE!!! and then i saw ear rings and i shoved them through my ear.. and nope didn't hurt at all and i rpob have a lot more to say and missed a lot of thigns and when i think of them i shall post again!!!!!

I'm a bit confused. But that's normal for rachel. I have reaized i do not like being alked about. but that is done and over with. I sitll want to to know who is doing the comments. but i also come ot the conclusion it doesn't matter.

On a better note.. Today was a okay kickass day.. well when i met up with scott anyways... I slept most of the day.. But that is understandable. since i have a proble of having to sleep as much as possible. I dislike art class. But that is a givwen. I had anything with crafts or anything to do with prom..bla..

Then again my day changed. I got my normal butterflies and happy lil grin when i saw scott... we went to this house and yeah it was fun.. not going into details... And yes my attempt of trying to slow down.. i s in progress.. but hasn't gone in full effect.. and unsure if it will.. Just trying is all we can hope fun..

After my stay at his house we headded to the mall for his work.. Where i got about 3 and 1/2 hour sof yummy sleep.. athough i was suppose to be working on my art.. i deicded a nap sounded a lot obetter. And in the middle of the nap i realize i had to pee horribly so i walekd over to mc donalds and used their potties!

After the mall we decided, well scott decided to go to waffle house? I think.. lolwhats the name.. and we went to see john and went to to tell brandon. Then we headed to waffle house.. and we got some burgers and has browns.. then Brandon joined us. And we went to walmart.. and hehe it was fun.. then erm.. i hate this part scott had to take me home..poopie on him!!

I can say a lot more but then again i'm tired. so im going to talk to scott and go night night.. huggles scott.. toodles

in response.. and all my feelings.. If you dont like strong emotion.. i say.. do not read.

I dont knoiw what to think.. what to say r what to do. Honestly.. i dont think i've ever knew.. I'm child placed in such a large place.. My emotions are going crazy.. i'm unsure what i'm supposed to do. It's as like i go into a transe and nothing matters.. nothing at all.. nothing but scott... It's like an embrace.. something you can't explain. You dont wanna rush.. yet u can't stop.. An addiction.. something u feel is sooo good.. great even.. yet u know u shouldn't... You know that ur doing something that you can't see urself doing for a long time... U barely know him.. yet u know him more then some married couples...

It isn't like u care what ppl think.. but u have society and their though beating in ur head.. What's right and wrong.. and yet u deny to listen.. deep down it kinda hurts.. It's not like ur trying to be this perfect person.. But it's liek u have an image that u didn't ask for.. u didn't want.. yet ppl are all like aww. so cute.. and u wanna vomit.

I want to be invisible.. only a select few know that i'm alive.. i want to be in scott's arm and never be seen again. I'm tired of pain and ppl and life.. I just want to be alone... Everything is going crazy.. everything so fast. I can't keep up.. yet it doesn't matter. What is done is done.. I mean it isn't like we did the wrose thing ever.. I dont regret anything.. I mean.. like i say.. it takes 2 to tango.. and if i'm gonna tango.. i'd rather it be with u then with anyone else..I promise..

I'm just so scared.. I've fall so far.. and if anything was to happen.. i'm unsure if i would be able to cope. It totaly bites.. I can take phystical like a pro.. well lol sorta.. u know what i mean.. but any dose with emotional.. i crumble! I'm scared of being hurt.. But that's normal for me.. I dont want u to fear ur going to hurt me.. The only way is to leave me.. Yet if it came to it.. I'd rther u leave me.. then to stay with me.. so u wont hurt me. I want u to behonestto urself. And always be honest to me. Dont make me tell u how u feel or what u think.. I dont like doing it in thsoe circumstances.

I feel so happy... as for cutting myself goes.. I've only done it with scott..and Other then that i haven't wanted 2. not in the phystical pain kinda of way.. It feels kinda good. It's liek scott is my stress reliver.. My medication persay. When ever i feel so freakin' wowzers.. all i have to do is see scott and all m pain and frustration goes away.It's great... Yet it's scary.  I've thrown all my emotions and thoughts at him. How do i know that it wont come back to haunt me.. That i wont loose him? I just dont want to be hurt like that. not again.. well mostly not by him.. I've come to ralization that i like him.. well love him more then i ever loved joe.. and trust me.. if u knew me then.. u will know that's a total shit load!! I mean think aout it. I gave up everything tgo be with joe.. but that is the slightest thing in my mind at this moment.

As i sit here.. i'm missing him like crazy.. i dont know how i could just miss him so.. it's like when i'm with him i wanan be away so i can miss him.. that doesn't make much sense.. since i love being with him.. i mean hey i sat in the mall for 3 hours just to spend as much time as i could with him. Actually i hate being away.. scratch that note.. lol.. I hate having to leave.. it makes me cranky. I'd rather just sleep in his arms. and never have to get up..

Okay enough  is enough. i know i'm issing a few things and i will prob think of it.. but then i'll state it.. i just have 2 much going on. I love scott like crazy.. and i just wanna be in my own world. but i wanan drag scott with me.. oh yeah.. greatest feeling.. Having someone to love u for u.. and accept all ur fauls.. not to judge..and u can actually talk to them..and be urself.. and for the reason i believe we are goiong so fast.. is because we are connecting on a lvel.. and it's hard to break it.. When u can get to the stage of total trust.. or stage of just toataly love.. Nothinh seems to matter. U love his person.. u are over all ur insecurties.. u have no hidden secrets.. no worries.. just pure happiness. U have no doubts and ur feelings are clear.. Yes.. this is true.. But most dont have this until a year or more of  a relationship.. Yet scott and i talk.. we actually talk.. we didn't start with the making out lusty kinda of thing.. we started by genly holding hands and actually getting to know one another.and when i state getting to know one another.. i mean it.. Long chats in the park.. whenver a silence.. tell me soemthing intersting.. something i dont know.. sound familar? With that statement.. i'v ebeen saying constantly.. wanting to know about everyone.. but mostly scott. His life intriques me.. his outlook and thoughts make me constanly wondering. I want to knwo more.. I enjoy listening..and tha'ts rare.. for the fact i ramble and tlak.. and express mself in sich a weird way. I'd rather listen to him talk.. then to state a single word.

But then i'm scare. if u can;'t notice im head over heals. I want out love to be true.. Not fake or artifical. Not lusty or just to have someone. and for me it's not and as far as i know. it's not for him either.. but that dosen't mean... That one day it could end. I could scare him away. freak him out. He could find someone.. he could be happier with someoneelse. I want this feelings to last forever. The kind that u feel as though ur heart is going so fast. yet it is totally motionless. As though ur lost in ur partners eyes...

what ever happened.. I dont regret.. Yes i do believe to slow down and go back a few notches.. so that we can make sure we dont make a mistkae or rush it.. so that we can still continue to talk and love each other.. and know it's for real. make sure it's not lust or something crazy like that..Yes.. i know.. it's hard.. to stop soemthing u have already done.. but all we can do is try. and what ever happens.. happens.. and i wont regret. Because i truely love u scott. and that's all that matter..

Everything is so great. It's like a dream and i dont ever want it to end. I dont want to wake up to this harsh reality in this world. I'll rather dream and think i'm the happiest person alive!!! oh... wait.. lol i am!!It's soo great. To be able to talk to someone and share everything u feel and think.. mostly with soemone special. Someone ur head over heals for.. Love you scott!!!

Oh!! I've come to the conclustion that i'm going to give up trying to write the details of my day.. Unlike scott i am unable to keep tings stiraght or have the time and eenergy to state evrything. My entries already seem to be long!But i will say the past few days have been the best days of my life.. I've been able to overcome some fears and to allow myself to become closer.

I love mnt dew... lol sorry that's what im drinking. But i od love energy drinks.. example.. monster..

I have so much more to say.. but i'm tired of waiting 5 mins for my comments to sho up.. and i'd much rather talk to scott.. so i will write alter.. PROMIUSE.. toodles LOVE YOU SCOTT!!

I"m a bit out of it. so deal with me. I had an energy drink and a lil bit of lovely blood taken from me. I honesltly dont know what day i'm on. All i do know is that im' way behind... Tonight how ever was wnderful..as well as mon. and i know i haevn't wrote about Monday.. so maybe i could do that? or i could do today. Or even yest??Damn... what's today?

Woke up.. 15 mnins until my bius came.. screw that.. back to bed... waking up to a wonderful voice.. scott.. He says he's a comin' over.. yay.. i was excited!!! So i tried to hurry up to get up and waited impatiently for him. Then he showed.. wowzers..

It was actaully great. since we had alone time.. and the only company we had was snuggles. and dont get me wrong. he tried to consme all the attention he could.

Let's see.. my dream became reality for me.. it trruelt did. Let's just say... blood is such a wonderful thing.. Mostly when someone is sucking it out of u. So intense.. s o yummy. so sweet.. so close.. exactly a few emotions i felt ..even  tonight..but i have to wait until i get there.

We kissed and huggled a for hours. It was so great to be able to be that close. To have someone u can talk 2.. and yet be close and have sparks with. After a while of kisses we decided to fulfil my lil fantasy(well one of them) and with that i went and got a razor. yet i had to be able to take that razor apart..

I gently had kinda normally slit my lower lip..wowzers it was great... scott then began kissing and sucking and holding and licking... yeah.. yumm!!!!It was everything i was thinking and more..Then he had to go..after cuddling to buffy.. yet if u knew this.. and i knew this.. he could of stayed longer.. ecsuse my mom didnt' get home until around 4.. wwell make that 5..

Well we talked a bit online.. and then drew came and got me and we all went bowling.. bowling was fun... then i went hhome. Totally out of it and tired.. can't writ I'll upload a few pics..later.. toodles

This weekend was great... Actually every day that i'm with scott is great.. I forgot where i left off yest... So I guess i'm going to try to wing it. Let's see.... Ummmm Sat.. i'll start on sat. I woke up... And realized i had to clean my room and take a shower and so forth for scott and brandon to come get me. Then we headed to Grand caverns.. It was neat.. we all had cameras.. yeti left my disk at home, so i tried not to take many pics so that i ddin't waste the pics... After takeing some kickass pics... we headed to go met up with kelly.

Well we were a lil late since we had to stop by scotts to move brandons car.. yet kelly was late also.. SO  i had lots of fun at the pet store. Kelly showed up and we continue to search around.. I even got attacked bya parrot.. i did i did.. he decided to climb on me anf chew on my hoodie and hair...  Well after atleast a hour i decided that we should go get ice cream.. yumm yumm.. so we headed off and went to wrights...It was very chilly but i enjoed it..

Afterwards we decided to go to walmart and to get hair dye for my hair... WE all cohose plum.. And trust me.. it turned out really really good. Brandon is responsible for this.. yay... Then I got to hear brandon sing. which made me a bit angry.. since he didn' send it to me.. It was really good also...

Then we all decided to go eat chiense.. IT was also yumm. and we headed to the park and hung out for a while... Lots of cuddling.. i love every min of this day..

Then everyone headed home.. I stayed with scott for a while and finaily headed home..

Okay i'll post sun and mon.. later.. im tired as crap!!